oh the irony

poor-mouthin’

I’ve only ever heard my father use this term, but I heard it actually happen zillions of times. It seems to be a rural variation of a time-honored southern tradition. Here’s how it goes. Grandma: I don’t know if these (steaming-hot, made from scratch) biscuits are gonna be any good, my baking soda is old. [...]

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Or, “I love women who aren’t afraid to put on a few pounds”

I am continually astonished that anyone would try to pick me up in a bar. Last night four of us went out to hear a band, and I happened to wander out from where we were sitting. I had been standing by the dance floor watching the band (and the dancing-like-mad young women) for less [...]

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Turning My Sheep Over

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When I was six I was somewhat horrified to learn that a woman named Mrs. Wolf would be my kindergarten teacher. It turned out she was an okay sort of teacher (imagine!) but I felt it was a grave oversight on the part of the administration. During the first weeks of school we were introduced [...]

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Barad-dûr: adj./pl. noun., transl. "big (honking) doors"

Last night the Husband was watching the first film of the Lord of the Rings set again. I happened to glance over to see the ringwraiths come out of the doors of Barad-dûr. Me: Man those are some giant doors. I want some doors like that for my next house. (channeling Martha) They’re both practical [...]

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Three-Padlock Pee Dream

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You know those dreams you have when you have to go to the bathroom? You dream you are at the fair, have finished six cokes, and you go to the ladies’ room but there are no empty stalls. Or the line has 65 people in it (none of whom are in a hurry) and it’s [...]

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Mysteries of the Universe Explained in Pictogram

The boys received a sample of Axe Clix shower gel in the mail. The Maker, attracted by the shiny black packaging and bold graphics, asked me what it was for. “Well,” I told him, turning over the package to show him the instructions, “first you shower, then girls want to hang around you.” Silently I [...]

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or my curling iron

Once I lived on the farthest-flung of a chain of tiny islands, accessible only by boat or plane. We were accustomed to weekly power outages and frequently joked about being the last in a long chain of extension cords. One day I sat on my front steps enjoying the fine weather, having been kicked off [...]

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Junk Piled Around the Edges of MY Bathtub, In Which I’ve Never Actually Taken a Bath but In Which the Maker Infrequently Appears:

First, let me explain. I tend to want my personal space tidy. My (ok, our) bedroom has hardwood floors, a platform bed, two simple beige lamps with white shades, and one pale hardwood dresser. To get any more zen I’d have to ship in some sand and rake it in calming patterns. My bedspread is [...]

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How Lucky Numbers Get Changed

The Maker recently brought me this piece of paper, and waited expectantly for me to invite him to tell the story behind it. So here it is, in his words: I was collecting those can tops, the little tabs. [Ice] was too, and he said, no I’m having a collection and you can’t have any [...]

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Ancient; Yea, Crumbling Into Dust

Tonight the Maker got his new basketball team jersey. He bounced out of the gym and into the car and announced: “My number is 12! One-two!” And he proudly showed off his shiny new shirt, it’s slippery netted surface glinting in the moonlight. On the ride home, he expounded on the great good fortune of [...]

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