Cheeeeeetos. Is there anything better?
Well, I mean, except for Funyuns, sometimes. But truly, nothing edges out Cheetos as my favorite nutritionally-damaging treat. Gawd, they’re wonderful.
If you want to eat them with any regularity, you need to follow the Three Cheeto-Eating Rules, which have nothing to do with Mountain Dew chasers (which, paired with Cheetos, I’ve heard touted as the snack-food holy grail).
1. DON’T eat them out of the bag.
If you have the bag sitting in your lap, it’s not gonna go well for you. Take 20 out of the bag, put them in a bowl, mug, or zip-lock, and put the bag away. I have no idea how many calories and carbs and all 20 Cheetos is, but the point is that you aren’t eating the whole bag. You’re limiting your intake. You get bonus points for eating the baked kind, for which you might award yourself 25 Cheetos rather than 20.
A lesser known-codicil to rule #1: Don’t eat them out of the bathtub, either.
And don’t eat 25 Giant (marshmallow-sized) Cheetos. If you get your hands on a bag of these (I found them at a truck stop), go ahead and eat the whole bag. Think of it as your Christmas present.
2. Eat Cheetos AFTER a meal.
This way you won’t be tempted to stuff yourself with Cheetos because you’re hungry. Think about Cheetos as dessert. Because, you know, that’s what they are! I’ll choose Cheetos every time over a cupcake slice of apple pie Twix bar serving of circus peanuts.
3. Don’t TOUCH anything else while eating Cheetos.
Do not eat Cheetos while working on your nice white Mac laptop. Do not touch this Cheeto bunny while leafing through your rare book collection. Do not eat Cheetos while wearing your new white leisure suit. That means you, too, John Travolta.
Oh, okay, go ahead. Draw funny faces on your water glass with your greasy Cheeto fingers. White styrofoam cups take Cheeto residue well, also.
I don’t want to steal all the fun out of your Cheeto-eating.
Image by fortune cookie (Do I need to counsel you to avoid the Cheeto-flavored lip balm? I didn’t think so. There are limits.)
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