Cheetos lip balm

How to Eat Cheetos (and not Ruin Anything)

Cheeeeeetos. Is there anything better?

Well, I mean, except for Funyuns, sometimes. But truly, nothing edges out Cheetos as my favorite nutritionally-damaging treat. Gawd, they’re wonderful.

If you want to eat them with any regularity, you need to follow the Three Cheeto-Eating Rules, which have nothing to do with Mountain Dew chasers (which, paired with Cheetos, I’ve heard touted as the snack-food holy grail).

1. DON’T eat them out of the bag.

If you have the bag sitting in your lap, it’s not gonna go well for you. Take 20 out of the bag, put them in a bowl, mug, or zip-lock, and put the bag away. I have no idea how many calories and carbs and all 20 Cheetos is, but the point is that you aren’t eating the whole bag. You’re limiting your intake. You get bonus points for eating the baked kind, for which you might award yourself 25 Cheetos rather than 20.

A lesser known-codicil to rule #1: Don’t eat them out of the bathtub, either.

And don’t eat 25 Giant (marshmallow-sized) Cheetos. If you get your hands on a bag of these (I found them at a truck stop), go ahead and eat the whole bag. Think of it as your Christmas present.

2. Eat Cheetos AFTER a meal.

This way you won’t be tempted to stuff yourself with Cheetos because you’re hungry. Think about Cheetos as dessert. Because, you know, that’s what they are! I’ll choose Cheetos every time over a cupcake slice of apple pie Twix bar serving of circus peanuts.

3. Don’t TOUCH anything else while eating Cheetos.

Do not eat Cheetos while working on your nice white Mac laptop. Do not touch this Cheeto bunny while leafing through your rare book collection. Do not eat Cheetos while wearing your new white leisure suit. That means you, too, John Travolta.

Oh, okay, go ahead. Draw funny faces on your water glass with your greasy Cheeto fingers. White styrofoam cups take Cheeto residue well, also.

I don’t want to steal all the fun out of your Cheeto-eating.

Image by fortune cookie (Do I need to counsel you to avoid the Cheeto-flavored lip balm? I didn’t think so. There are limits.)

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6 Responses to How to Eat Cheetos (and not Ruin Anything)

  1. Virginia H. Turnage (Gram) December 2, 2009 at 11:30 pm #

    I am determined to lose 10 lbs by Christmas! Mary Beth Conley (local TV personality in Memphis) announced on TV that she would do this! So I decided that if she can do it, I can also! Now–I can’t be as disciplined as my SKINNY and beautiful daughter-in-law, but I believe I can lose 10 lbs! (However, I may have to wait a while for the Cheetos–maybe a reward or something?). I did actually keep a few of those Zone bars for myself–’cause I really like them!

    • Lisa Creech Bledsoe December 3, 2009 at 9:29 am #

      Good for you, you can totally achieve this goal!

      Part of my willingness to eat right on a consistent basis has to do with allowing myself small, controlled amounts of treats every day. M&M’s are one — but I limit myself to 10. Cheetos are another. I typically only have one or two treats in a single day. This way I feel like I’m enjoying life and foods, and can sustain the changes I’ve made in my diet forever rather than just for a short period of time.

      And I adore Zone bars, thanks for leaving me yours! They work great as a bridge between meals, and have just the right proportion of protein and carbs so that I don’t jack up then crash on sugar, but keep my insulin nice and even.

      Be sure and let me know how the “lose 10 pounds” goal is coming along!

      And thanks for reading and commenting.

  2. Laura December 13, 2012 at 7:18 pm #

    I’m having to wipe a tear I’m laughing so hard! I’d say you’ve thought about this far too much, but I’ve got similar guidelines for Doritos. One of them is never, ever buy them (crispy kryptonite) but gas station Doritos are OK because they come in the snack size.

    Yeah, you gotta break food rules…being human and all.

    • Lisa Creech Bledsoe December 13, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

      HAH! “Crispy kryptonite.” Niiice.

      I am a little bit in love with gas stations. They have SO MANY WONDERMUS things, don’t they. The coffee is always good, the snacks are freakish and enormous, and they have beer. What’s not to love?

      WHICH flavor of Doritos, though. I’m wracked with curiosity and MUST know, Laura.

  3. Margaret Reyes Dempsey December 13, 2012 at 9:08 pm #

    Okay, maybe I’m in the minority here, but I don’t need rules for eating Cheetos. They, and the above-mentioned Doritos, are like eating crispy, fermented feet. Chapstick in a cheesy feet flavor is the very last thing I’d put on my lips. ROFL!!! Gross.

    • Lisa Creech Bledsoe December 13, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

      BWAHAHAHA! “Crispy fermented FEET!!” BWAHAHAHAHA! “Cheesy feet flavor chapstick!!”

      Fine. I’ll take yours.

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